you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
