I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
