im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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