i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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