It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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