New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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