did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
