Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's blow job season.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
