omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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