just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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