I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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