I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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