I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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