If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Randomize
