Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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