my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
