and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My ass is underappreciated
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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