Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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