I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
