Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
