So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
