It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
