I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
