If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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