my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
