Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
