I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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