Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
