Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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