alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
