I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
