Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
