I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
