New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
