good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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