o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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