Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
