I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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