my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
