happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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