dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
kristin has been a bad kristin
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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