Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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