I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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