i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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