I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
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Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
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He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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