Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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