i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
