I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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