Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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