I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
