Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
