i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
