I faked an abortion last night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
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First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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