I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Houston, we have a squirter
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
