Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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