Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
