lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
