Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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